Monday, May 14, 2018

Bucket List Alert! Now YOU Can Tube Down the Grand Canal!

Enjoy the splendors of Venice as their creators always intended them to be seen: from the water in a large inflatable rubber ring!

See Venice as the great Titian did!*

(*Or at least hypothetically could have, had vulcanized rubber of the sort used in the manufacture of large truck inner tubes been invented during his lifetime, and had the use of such tubes for the purposes of amusement been common in the 16th century.)

All tubes are outfitted with--at no extra charge!--cup holders. And each Venezia Blog Amusements LLC tuber receives a complementary plastic cup of bubbly liquid (which DOC regulations prohibit us from calling "Prosecco," or even "Brut," but which you can call whatever you want)!

For the low low cost of just 150 euros per person, you'll get one full hour of unfettered water-borne freedom, a waterproof map of the city's canals (which will make no sense to you), and a good strong shove out into the Grand Canal by one of the well-trained staff of Venezia Blog Amusements LLC.

Sure, there are other ways for a person with absolutely no knowledge of Venice’s crowded waterways to help clog them up—kayaks, paddle boards, even water bikes. But do you really want to look like a schmuck, paddling or peddling, huffing and puffing? Wouldn’t you rather luxuriate doge-like** (**see note * above) in your own singular experience?

Or explore the city's quiet canals in our galvanized steel group tubs!

Yes, during the scorching hot days of the Venetian summer, while the mass of tourists get footsore pounding the pavement, you'll be kicking back in a refreshing bath of organic and inorganic matter, with a distinctive fragrance somewhat reminiscent of the sulfur springs that wealthy Europeans have frequented since ancient times!

Group packages also available!!!

Imagine forming your own eco-friendly George-Clooney-esque armada of truck tire inner tubes down the Grand Canal to celebrate your wedding in the world's most romantic city!

And nothing creates a stronger esprit de corps among a tourist, family, or corporate group than the shared experience of trying to elude motor traffic, human waste, and the occasional swimming rat in the world's most celebrated "main street"!

Lose yourself in the legendary mystery and allure of Venice!

So what are you waiting for! Reserve your place now to do what even Venetians have never done!

(And know better than to do.)


DISCLAIMER: All once-in-a-lifetime bucket list adventures involve a degree of risk for which Venezia Blog Amusements LLC explicitly, fully, and unequivocally renounces all responsibility.

Venezia Blog Amusements LLC recommends clients have a full and updated battery of vaccinations (including but not limited to tetanus; hepatitis a, b, and c; diptheria; bubonic plague; etc) prior to undertaking this once-in-a-lifetime experience. It advises against this once-in-a-lifetime experience for pregnant women and those with compromised immune systems.

Venezia Blog Amusements LLC further bears no responsibility for adverse health effects--whether of short or chronic duration, immediate or delayed onset--including but definitely not limited to: sunburn, dizziness, fainting, nausea, vomiting, poisoning, toxic shock, skin rashes (incurable or otherwise and regardless of percentage of body affected), blindness, intestinal parasites, stomach worms, flesh-eating-antibiotic-resistant infections, paralysis, hearing loss (up to and including stone deafness), or loss of digits, toes, limbs or life.

Don't learn about history, MAKE IT!
Experience the ultimate Venice with Venezia Blog Amusements, LLC

[NOTE: This is a satire.]


  1. That really cheered me up .... hang on, it isn't really happening ... is it? Jus for an instant I thought "No, never... but I can imagine some idiots signing up for the "experience" even so "
    Thanks for the images. surreal.

    1. Sad to say, Ella, but there'd likely be a small fortune to be made in such a venture...

  2. Don't do that! I literally thought "this is the last year I'll go."

    1. The fact that you were inclined to believe it at all, Helen, indicates just how far overboard (so to speak) tourist diversions in Venice have already been allowed to go. It makes a would-be-satirist's job rather hard when one's always being outpaced by the mayor and city council and tour operators.

  3. Replies
    1. And that puke, Jon, would be among the more benign substances to be found in the canals which tourists are given ever more chances to frolic among--in kayaks, on paddle boards, on waterbikes--in this very old "waterpark."

  4. Thank God for that last line! I had been on the point of writing "I CAN'T believe this is happening".

  5. Replies
    1. It'll make Venice one heck of a lot more interesting, Yvonne!

  6. Er... how about tourists astride inflatable yellow ducks, in flotillas, led by a guide-duck? All linked together by ropes, to add extra hazards.... Then you could have a loudspeaker commentary booming out with incorrect "facts" all the way down the Grand Canal ... and really tacky music could be boomed out whenever the guide duck's voice needed a rest....

    1. The last couple of details in your list, Ella, already seem to be done on some cruise ships as they grind along the length of Venice (certain soaring Broadway tunes seem to be considered especially inspiring of the "proper" emotions, from what I've overheard onshore). But the inflatable ducks are still wide open to any enterprising tourist operator to implement.

  7. I rather stick to vaporetto or gondola!😂😂😂😂

  8. This totally sucks. I’ll take the Vaporetto or a gondola. I love Venezia for what it is and should be.
    If someone wants to. see tubes and rafts stay home. Go to Wildwood NJ or California. This is an insult to Venezia and the Venetians. Go away.

    1. Fortunately, it's just a satire, Unknown, meant to suggest the absurd extremes to which unfettered tourist operators seem almost intent on going. But, yes, that's the thing: there are already plenty of places where, say, kayaking is appropriate: but Venice is not one of them.